Basking in the Light.

Its been a long hard road to where I am now. A that at times, was so dark, that it seemed as through I would never see daylight. I sit here right now in that glowing nuturing light that I searched for for so very long. But its hard to trust it. Difficult to believe that it is real. At times it feels like an illusion. That past 48 hours has that surreal dreamlike feel. As if I wander too far forward, the light will go out and I will once again be lost in the darkness.
Its dif ficult not to be emotional after such a excruciatingly long journey. I looked around me and see icons in this industry and wonder about the roads they traveled, the realities of the dues they paid. Do I trust this? Is it real? Can I reach out and touch it and have it not evaporate before my eyes?
A journey that went through endless greasy, dusty repair shops, paint shops, sitting by the side of the road after my car has broken down again, wrenches laid out in the ground around me as I try to work a problem with the meager offerings of what I had on hand. Sitting there feeling frustrated but at the same time thankful for the amazing gift we have in this world, the sun on my face, breeze tossing my hair, happy to be alive.
I am always aware of where I came from. Those images, a young girl driving a deathtrap parts delivery truck, hanging out in the park, toolbox sitting in the open truck of my 69 Mustang, tuning my car on a summer day. My first actual painting experinces where I dramatically reacted to things going horribly wrong. So many times I wanted to quit. To give up. And the few times I did, only to end up right back where I started.
I look at these people around me, humbled by their support. Humbled by the amazing women I am working with. wanting to be the person they all believe I am. It feels nice in the light of day. That light that was always at the end of that long long tunnel which was my life. Was it worth the journey?
Yes, it was.

A Sexy Man

Yes, a sexy man is laying in bed next to me. For most of my life I yearned for hot guy. You know those bewitching women that always get the cute quarter back or the sexy lead singer? The woman who walks in the bar and every man in the place wants to buy her a drink? I was not one of those women. I was the sidekick to the hot chick. The cute guy would buy the hot chick a drink, and because he would want to impress her, he would also buy a drink for her not so hot friend (me.)
But times changed. 30 years later my hot chick bff sleeps alone while I sleep next to a man with eyes so blue it takes my breath away.

But it does nothing for me. Not tonight. Because my mind is out there in the shop. Replaying the last few days over and over in my head, trying to figure out how to get around the roadblocks in two of my current projects. One of the not so fun things about being considered one of the best, is that the projects that get you that title, are not easy. Many of them are throw-yourself-off-a-cliff-i-can't do-it hard. And I have two of those suckers sitting out there in that dark shop, lying in wait for me.

So instead of snuggling up and spooning with that incredible man with a body that most women fantasize about, I'm laying awake, wondering if I'll need a Zanax to knock me out. Life in the big league ain't all its cracked up to be sometimes.